Emotional intelligence in leadership and emotionally intelligent leaders. There鈥檚 an abundance of articles online from various sources. So, instead of a blog written for leaders, from leaders, let鈥檚 look at it from another perspective.
First, a little background.
In the throes of blog research, I came across a 2003 Harvard Business Review article, . The part that stood out was 鈥淚n hard times, the soft stuff often goes away. But emotional intelligence, it turns out, isn鈥檛 so soft.鈥�
This really resonated, but not before I had a flashback of my adult working life. I鈥檓 going to be honest, there are some 鈥榠f only I had known that then鈥� moments.
So, I did what any geriatric millennial does 鈥� I put on the (you鈥檙e welcome), had a desk groove and reflected: there are always going to be hard times. There was this global pandemic thing and now we have a crisis.
What would have helped me for the hard times in my working life? That鈥檚 when it came to me.
I really could have used fairy godmother in those early days to enlighten me on emotional intelligence. Not only to help me make sense of things but also how it makes for more productive team work and better relationships.
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So, here I am. Your emotional intelligence fairy godmother. By the way 鈥� in my head I鈥檓 wearing pink and look FABULOUS! |
For me, is the godfather of emotional intelligence. In his book he outlines five components of emotional intelligence:
Given the book I pulled off the shelves at 水果派 was published in 1996, I wish I had known about this so much earlier!
Aidan Stoate, our 水果派 Aotearoa CEO sums it up nicely:
Emotional intelligence is recognising that we are all fallible, and showing courage to admit this and create opportunity from it is where great leadership begins.
Know when to admit your mistakes, but more importantly, openly communicate what you鈥檝e learned from them. No leader is perfect, and usually the ones with the most obvious capability gaps are those who show little vulnerability or lack the appetite to improve.
| Now before we go any further, get comfy, grab a drink and allow your emotional intelligence fairy godmother to break it down for you (with some help along the way). |
Self-awareness is like holding up a mirror to see your own thoughts, emotions and behaviours clearly. It鈥檚 important because, when you鈥檙e aware of your emotions and behaviour, you understand how they impact your performance and the influence this has on your relationships in the workplace.
When you know yourself, you know your emotions, strengths, weaknesses, values and motivations. This comes easier to some people than others and for me personally, it was a big confidence thing to get comfortable with the discomfort that is knowing my weaknesses.
What鈥檚 the benefit of this? When you know yourself, you get a read on your feelings and how they not only impact your behaviour and decisions, but those around you too. You can recognise your emotional state.
Don鈥檛 just take it from this fairy godmother. I asked Ulrika Brunner, our 水果派 Asia CEO to sprinkle some fairy dust of wisdom:
To my younger self: your instincts 鈥� you are a natural. I had no self-confidence and didn鈥檛 realise what a high level of emotional intelligence I had until I did an EQ-I certification in my thirties. Maybe if I had known earlier on, I could have found my true purpose much sooner鈥� but no regrets 鈥� I鈥檓 here now!
If you鈥檙e struggling to wrap your head around self-awareness, the best way to explain it is to think about impulse purchases. They are a thing. You get swept up in the moment and your judgement gets a bit foggy. Impulse decisions and actions are the same.
When you can recognise your emotional state, you will be able to pause and avoid making impulsive decisions based on temporary feelings. It鈥檚 like putting something in your online shopping cart and leaving it there, rather than buying it straightaway.
What鈥檚 the benefit? You鈥檒l be able to be more thoughtful and make strategic choices. Something that will most definitely set you up well for the future. Kind of like being a leader, before you have the job title.
| How to get there? Spoiler alert: there are no shortcuts. We all come into this with different levels of self-awareness. The best advice I can give you is to spend time self-reflecting and seek feedback from those around you. |
Have you ever had a moment when something not great has happened at work?
*Puts hand up.*
How did you react? That鈥檚 a rhetorical question, because this fairy godmother has most definitely had her moments.
My advice to you as your fairy godmother? Think of a thermostat and how it keeps temperature steady. Self-regulation is your emotional thermostat, helping you stay calm and composed.
Self-regulation builds on self-awareness. So no, you can鈥檛 ignore the first chapter of emotional intelligence and skip ahead. You can only manage your emotions and behaviours effectively once you're aware of them.
Why might you ask? Not only does it set you up for the future when you have more responsibility, team members and all that jazz, but right now it will help you foster trust and respect with others and help you navigate conflicts and setbacks without losing sight of things.
This is where the saying 鈥榗heck yourself, before you wreck yourself鈥� comes in real handy.
Don鈥檛 take my word for it. As your fairy godmother, I asked our Group CEO, Dan Tohill for some words of wisdom:
Regulate your emotions. When preparing yourself for a stressful meeting/conversation think about what you can do to chill yourself out so you鈥檙e in control, calm and can have as productive a meeting as possible. Go for a walk, go to the gym, don鈥檛 schedule these meetings at certain times of your day or week.
I also like cuddling the cat or putting on some music and dancing. You do you though.
Some other things you can try are to pause before reacting 鈥� that stops those impulse moments. You can also try your hand at mindfulness techniques. I鈥檒l be honest, these aren鈥檛 my jam, but they might be yours. Give them a go! There鈥檚 lots of great mindfulness techniques or guided meditations out there.
| Before we move on, while I can鈥檛 wave my wand and make self-regulation happen for you magically, I can share that, like all good things, self-regulation takes practice. Take small steps. |
I don鈥檛 know about you, but I get hangry if I don鈥檛 have breakfast. I remind myself each day that it鈥檚 worthwhile spending the time to have something to eat because it fuels my morning.
So, how do you fuel your work engine? Motivation. Think of motivation as the fuel that powers your work engine. It鈥檚 how you drive forward with energy and determination to reach your goal.
As your fairy godmother, I need to be real: your engine can be situational. I鈥檝e been in a job I didn鈥檛 love where my engine was comparable to my first car 鈥� a 1989 Ford Laser. It did the job, but only just.
I also think back to people I鈥檝e worked with in the past that were super motivated. What set them apart? They set high standards, showed enthusiasm for their work and persisted through challenges.
水果派 Australia CEO, Stu Neighbour has some magical advice when it comes to motivation that I think you鈥檒l want to hear:
It鈥檚 pretty simple 鈥� whatever you鈥檙e curious about 鈥� follow it. It鈥檚 your brain鈥檚 way of saying it鈥檚 interested. It doesn鈥檛 matter what the subject is, or whether it鈥檚 'cool' or not or what your family think you should be curious about 鈥� follow that firefly wherever it may lead.
Whatever you make that fills your bucket 鈥� do more of that. Take your time, you have way more than you think. Make more mistakes and take more risks 鈥� it鈥檚 how we learn and figure out who we truly are. Don鈥檛 worry about getting things right. Just give it a go and 'Damn the torpedoes'.
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I love this sentiment as it鈥檚 based on what you. It also reminds me that I can鈥檛 wave my wand and you鈥檒l be magically motivated. This is something that you鈥檒l need to figure out for yourself. If you only take away one thing let it be that while negativity can be catching; curiosity, creativity, passion and commitment are contagious. |
Alfred Adler, founder of the school of individual psychology, wrote, 鈥淓mpathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.鈥�
I like it. Why? For me, empathy is like a window that lets you see into another person's world. When you have empathy you can walk in their shoes, understand their feelings and just get their perspectives.
It鈥檚 an extension of self-awareness but focused on others.
When I started my working career, my thoughts were a little black and white 鈥� people were either nice or not. Why did I think this way? I won鈥檛 lie, everything was about me. I didn鈥檛 have self-awareness or self-regulation (see how I weaved it in there鈥�). Come to think of it, I didn鈥檛 have a fairy godmother and that makes me really sad!
What I understand now is that the best leaders lead with empathy. Empathy doesn鈥檛 make them weak; it makes them strong.
How to be like them? Here are some skills that I reckon if you practice and work on, you鈥檒l be well on your way.
| As a fairy godmother I鈥檝e been known to put down my wand and relax with a book. One of my favourite non-fiction books is Brianna Wiest鈥檚 . For me, this is all about looking at things with a different perspective. In one story titled 鈥榊ou are a book of stories, not a novel鈥� a quote stood out. I鈥檒l leave you with it 鈥� for me it really sums up empathy. |
鈥楲ife isn鈥檛 a sepia-toned flashback. Life is vivid and changing and real and unpredictable. Unchartable. With no other plot than the one we鈥檙e living in the moment, here and now.鈥�
The final piece of the puzzle? Social skills. These are like a compass, guiding you through interactions and helping you navigate relationships.
Social skills bring together the other components: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation and empathy. Now, don鈥檛 go putting yourself into a category like introvert or extrovert. The type of social skills I鈥檓 talking about is how you put those other emotional intelligence competencies to use, in your own unique way.
Why is it important? Along my own journey to becoming your fairy godmother I鈥檝e learnt that leaders with strong social skills can build networks, encourage teamwork, collaborate, inspire and influence those around them.
There鈥檚 lots of different things you can do to work on your social skills, but here鈥檚 my top three sprinklings of fairy dust to help frame your thinking.
On that last point, Aidan Stoate has conjured this good advice that you can put into practice:
Ask your future self how you鈥檒l feel about a course of action before taking it. One of my tactics when thinking about what or how I鈥檒l communicate is to test how I would perceive it 24 hours from now 鈥� if I think it might be inappropriate, contentious, insensitive or open to interpretation, I鈥檒l rethink it or reframe it!
| Personally, I love this as you really are being self-aware and self-regulating when doing this! It鈥檚 a great skill to have throughout your career and then as you step into being a leader. Especially when you have more decisions to make and more at stake. |
It鈥檚 totally ok if you鈥檝e got to this part and are thinking 鈥榳hat the heck do I do next?!鈥�.
My advice is to start small. Start with one small positive thing you can do, maybe that is getting some feedback from those around you. This will lead to another, then another. This is known as a positive snowball effect.
Other things you can try are:
I wouldn鈥檛 be your fairy godmother if I didn鈥檛 leave you with one last magical piece of advice.
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Remember that emotional intelligence isn鈥檛 a fixed trait. It鈥檚 a set of skills that can be developed and refined over time 鈥� a bit like muscle memory. Keep working on your emotional intelligence. By doing so, you鈥檒l set yourself up for the future and be flexing leadership skills long before you have the job title. |